I don’t know why, but it seems that this Christmas Eve I am not in the mood for Christmas. Heck I’m down right angry at something. What I don’t know, it is just something ripping at my inside.
I love Christmas, the feeling, family, gift giving, and of course food. Not at the moment though. I think this feeling can be contributed to many things. Having to live in my parents house again, still feeling uneasy about the future, anything.
I’ll be brutally honest here and say that being in my parents house again bothers me. Having been out on my own for so long now I’m done being treated like a child. Don’t get my wrong I love my parents. They are my friends, that I respect very much, but there comes a time when I would like to be treated as a adult son, rather than the child I feel like they still treat me as.
There are many other thing that contribute to my anger. Such as the feeling of not knowing where I belong, or always feeling like people don’t value the real me. I hate the feeling of not being accepted, it is what I have felt all my life. Not liking sports, not having many friends in school, not being good one thing, not being over smart. I’m very good at compressing these feelings, letting them not bother me, but eventually, like tonight, I break and just get upset.
Many would ask me what they can do to help, or as what I think the solution is. Truth is there is nothing they can do and there is not simple solution. I just need to continue on not letting things bother me and being true to myself. It is easy enough for people to say “why don’t you go out and meet some people” but that is FLIPPIN hard for me. After growing up like I did it has left me with little self-confidence when it comes to casually meeting people.
Tomorrow will be better though. The family will arise and have a happy Christmas morning, then I will cook an amazing brunch with all you favourites followed by a turkey later in the evening. We will be happy, I will be happy.
Sometimes keeping things bottled up will result in a sudden and momentary change in a person.
Merry Christmas Everyone