The Website of Kyle Thomas (KyleWith)
Today reminded me of my childhood. It was a bright, sunny, crisp winter day here in Fort St John and it reminded me of home. As I was driving up and down streets I would see Father and Son shovelling snow, possibly making a “snow fort.”
Sometimes I’m afraid to grow up, to leave family behind. Sometimes I’m afraid I will forget all the good times I had with my family as I grew up.
Sometimes you just need to leave a though alone and let it unfold.
I don’t know why, but it seems that this Christmas Eve I am not in the mood for Christmas. Heck I’m down right angry at something. What I don’t know, it is just something ripping at my inside.
I love Christmas, the feeling, family, gift giving, and of course food. Not at the moment though. I think this feeling can be contributed to many things. Having to live in my parents house again, still feeling uneasy about the future, anything.
I’ll be brutally honest here and say that being in my parents house again bothers me. Having been out on my own for so long now I’m done being treated like a child. Don’t get my wrong I love my parents. They are my friends, that I respect very much, but there comes a time when I would like to be treated as a adult son, rather than the child I feel like they still treat me as.
There are many other thing that contribute to my anger. Such as the feeling of not knowing where I belong, or always feeling like people don’t value the real me. I hate the feeling of not being accepted, it is what I have felt all my life. Not liking sports, not having many friends in school, not being good one thing, not being over smart. I’m very good at compressing these feelings, letting them not bother me, but eventually, like tonight, I break and just get upset.
Many would ask me what they can do to help, or as what I think the solution is. Truth is there is nothing they can do and there is not simple solution. I just need to continue on not letting things bother me and being true to myself. It is easy enough for people to say “why don’t you go out and meet some people” but that is FLIPPIN hard for me. After growing up like I did it has left me with little self-confidence when it comes to casually meeting people.
Tomorrow will be better though. The family will arise and have a happy Christmas morning, then I will cook an amazing brunch with all you favourites followed by a turkey later in the evening. We will be happy, I will be happy.
Sometimes keeping things bottled up will result in a sudden and momentary change in a person.
Merry Christmas Everyone
I love trying to be creative and smart, but at the end of the day the content like videos and blog posts I create are not as good as they could be.
Someone is always doing the same thing better. Yes I know I mustn’t compare myself to others, but seriously who doesn’t.
I often times have ideas in my head for a videos, interviews and blog posts, but 1) I have a hard time getting the ideas out in to a full thought out piece of content, and 2) when I do make the content if is not up to par for my standards and others. I see others create stuff and I love it, they make it look good and for some reason I can’t do the same, at least to the standards I think it should.
I must continue to remind myself that every time I try something I learn from it. Every time I see something I think looks good I should take tips from it for next time.
When I see something that I think is better than something I have done, I go through a couple different stages. At first I will like it, think it is nice. That I will hate it, and myself thinking about how careless I was about what I created and how someone else is always better. Then I will start becoming more realistic and try and forget about it and move on and take a lesson from it. Finally I come to this stage where I think about what I need to take away from it and apply it to the next time.
Eventually I will know how to look, write, produce and create something that I will be comfortable with. Or rather eventually I will come to grips with myself and not let others bother me.
I keep sending article to Instapaper with the intentions of reading them later. That is after all the idea of the website. I keep thinking, well next weekend I will sit down and read them.
I send a lot of blog post ideas there, so I can come back to them. I have this idea that I will be in the mind from when I am done what ever it is I am doing. You know, next weekend when I don’t have this to deal with.
Well that so called weekend never seems to come. I suppose this may be a good thing, I’m always busy and never bored, but a lot of these things I am putting aside are ideas that I really want to explore and see them go further.
I guess one mans brain can only go so far before it hits it capacity.
I’m hoping while I’m back up in Yellowknife for a couple weeks before Christmas I will be able to get some of these ideas laid out. Until then I will continue to store them in my virtual memory. 😉
I finally got around to watching Pirates of Silicon Valley, right after I watching The Social Network again.
These two movies, although somewhat fiction, both inspire me. They both show me, that if you have an idea run with it, and don’t look back.
Unfortunately I don’t think I will have the next big idea or have the means to execute one if I did manage to think of something.
What I see in these stories is courage. These entrepreneurs believed in something and didn’t let anyone stop them and because they believed in something so much it gave them the ability to keep moving forward.
So now I just need to start asking myself, what is it you believe in? What can you do to achieve your goals? What are small steps you can do everyday to get there.
Like I said this morning, I’m only 20, I’ll give myself ten years to come up with the answers.